06 April 2007

Kernan and "Rightness"

Grammar Girl has received props from a previous post, but Cheek knows how many of you are slack*ssbast*rds and likely haven't gone to check it out on the site or on iTunes.

Well. Shame on you.

One of Kernan's rules is that, as an English major college graduate, I'm allowed to spell and grammarize however I wish. I'm certified. But I also agree with April Fool's "Grammar Girl" that winners get to make their own grammar rules, as well. That seems only fair. I'm wincing in anticipation on that statement, as certain peeps will gleefully Cheek-bash with this authority.

Text below for the April Fool's Grammar Girl, but trust me, you want to listen to all of its 4 minute glory here. You *must* hear the caller, Stewart, and how he says:

"I thank you mighty kindly for, uh, puttin' up with me. I feel like ever since I started listenin' to yer show, that it's really improved my entire lexuhcun, and it's made me more verboseness in just my whole way of presentin' myself, and I really do thank you kindly."

CountryMouse, I'm sure that's just making yer *sshole quivah with the peevies!


I hope you enjoy this April Fools' Day show. It was created by Will Ross, host of The Traveling Avatar's Quick and Dirty Tips for a Better Second Life.

[Will's voice] Grammar Girl here, today we’re going to talk about the semicolon—the Roger Clinton of the punctuation world. Considered more useful than the regular colon by most grammar scholars because of its ability to form a winking smiley face, which is far cuter then the traditional smiley face emoticon, the semicolon can also...

[ring]Oh! Looks like we have a call!

[Call from Stewart, who comments on Grammar Girl's “hotness” and asks about bingoing, bingoed, and the plural of bingo.]
From Cheek ... seriously, listen to at least this part!

Hi, Stewart, and first off I’m sorry to hear about your battle with the mysterious assassin known only as “The Ninja.” As for your comments on my smoking hotness, remember, Grammar Girl affected you with her hotness. But the effect of her hotness, was you buying her a diamond tennis bracelet.

I’m glad to hear about your newfound grammatical skills, and I’ll be glad to answer your question. The short answer to your question is that if you win a game of bingo, you can say whatever you’d like. You’re a winner, and you get to make the rules. This is called the “Winners Write the Grammar Rule” which was created by Sir Ethan Fancybloomers, Lord of Wellingsly after his was the only ship of the line to fight the battle of Trafalgar from the shore after being run aground due to confusion about when the celebration rum was to be given to the sailors. Despite being put on the “honor system” to consume their rum only after Napoleon’s fleet was decimated, the entire crew of 415 jumped the gun leading to one of the most darkest moments in Royal Navy History. But I digress.

I use a simple device to remember the “winner’s rule.” Whenever you’re confused, just think “I before thee, after any victory.” It’s this rule that makes any X-Box live victory trash talking grammatically correct, regardless of how it’s phrased.

Now back to the subject of ninjas. When describing a group of ninjas you…

Grammar Girl: Will, what are you doing in my office?

Will: Ohhh, this is your office? See, I get confused because our offices look so similar.

Grammar Girl: Here’s a good way to tell them apart. My office is in Arizona.

Will: Cool, I’ll just finish this one thing…

Grammar Girl: Out!

Will: Grammar girl signing out!


whitenoise said...

"most darkest"? I like that more better!

Kristin said...

Ya just gotta admire a guy like Stewart who is *trying* to improve his lexuhcun and verboseness. Three cheers for enhancing the way of presentin' one's self!