08 June 2007

B.Y.S.K.A.: "Frequently Disappointed by Mice"


I've shouted out about the Dilbert Blog before, I've even linked to it. Seeing as Scott Adams stopped having his archives permanently available, I'm going to include this post in its entirely so that it's not lost in the wankosphere.

Adams pisses a lot of people off. He's a contrarion, positing impossible situations and inviting debate, then stepping back to watch the fray. People get their knickers in *such* a twist over him, and typically fail to see that he's just inviting thought, conjecture, and yes, disagreement. He shuns extremist opinions not based in fact, smelling them for the shite that they are. I respect that.

But.

Today, he's the bee's effing knees. Because he went back to his roots as a humorist and gave us a jewel that does. not. suck. It's posts like these that make me *lurve* him. Enjoy.

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Frequently Disappointed by Mice, from the Dilbert Blog

Mice keep yanking my chain. Today was a perfect example. The headline said scientists produced mouse stem cells from mouse skin cells. This could be a huge breakthrough, both ethically and medically. The only problem is that the method used on the mice would cause cancer in humans. Fuck you, mice. Give me something I can use!

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/19067616/

My disappointment could have been worse. It’s not clear I’ll ever need that particular medical breakthrough anyway. The stories that really chafe my nuggets are the ones that sound like this:

“Researchers announced a breakthrough in gene therapy. This new technique gave mice an IQ of 700, grew hair in bald patches, doubled the size of their peckers, and made them immortal. The mice also showed signs of telekinesis, unlimited male orgasms, and x-ray vision. In lab tests, the mice beat leopards in paw-to-paw combat.”

This makes me all excited because I think “I could use a few of those things.” Then I read the rest of the story and it says something like “The researchers cautioned that this sort of gene therapy in humans would make their eyes turn into vaginas.”

It’s bad enough that I live in a country that ranks 37th in health care. The thing that really pisses me off is that I have worse health care than mice. If I were a mouse, I would start smoking, drinking, overeating and having unsafe sex, because those tiny bastards can be cured of anything with a goddamned aspirin and a shot of their own skin cells.

It makes me wonder if mice are easily cured because of the placebo effect. Mice don’t know anything about science, so they think whatever the scientist is doing must be helping. For example, if a lab mouse sees the janitor beating off in a test tube, the mouse thinks “Hey, my tumor is shrinking!” And then it does. You can’t underestimate the power of positive mouse thinking.

Just once I would like to see a headline that said, “SCIENTISTS DISCOVER A CURE FOR HUMAN DIABETES,” followed by details that say, “Scientists caution that this treatment in mice would give them inverted erections and make them hump themselves to death.”

Well, I can dream.


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Sigh. I laughed so hard, I cried. I'm replete. I'm giddy. And yes, the obvious connection to Douglas Adams and that mice are in fact effing with us is galactically relevant. Which is why there are 42 asterisks, not one more, not one less.

1 comment:

whitenoise said...

Watch it. Mickey's lawyers, in coalition with the Rodent Anti-Defamation League, are sniffing around for your number.

You. Are. In. Deep. DooDoo.